this is not a vagina monologue

...but why is it I feel unbearable guilt in pursuing anything that does not involve cleaning my house or strictly interacting with my kids? And I'm not talking about not getting the necessary grind out of the way. Yes, I feed my family, I wash our clothes, I generally look after their hygiene. And I spend time with them, playing their jedi-pokemon battles, going on our 'nature' walks, etc. My point is, every moment of my day seems taken up doing these things. Which is okay.

But, then, say I have something I want to do that is strictly not necessary or meant for them like, at all. As in, I'm not going/doing whatever it is I'm pursuing so I can be a better mother, so I can fill my tank to then turn around and fill theirs. In a word, I'm going/doing simply because I WANT TO.

Now, granted, I don't feel so bad when I've arranged well ahead of time to have someone cover on the home front for me. This is usually not for more than an hour or two, if that, and I know that this person I've used to cover for me is gonna have me 'pay it forward' for them soon, so no guilt there. Whatever.

Okay. So, here's spring break, and Mike is home, and everything that I usually just blow off guilt about because my friends are covering for me or I'm paying someone to keep my kids from impaling themselves on... well, I guess if you really tried, you could impale yourself on anything... point being, with friends, no guilt. With my husband and father of said children? I feel soooo guilty just taking off and leaving him with the boys. Even though 'taking off' entails a carefully orchestrated schedule of here and there, when the boys have been fed, lavished attention upon with a list of options if/when they happen to be needy for more.

What is wrong with this picture?

If you stumped, let me help you out. Mike, the daddy, is fully capable of entertaining, feeding, changing, preventing injury, etc. for all of his kiddos. I know this because he's been sharing this job with me for the past decade, give or take. And you know, I never feel guilty about it if I know I'm making a paycheck while I'm 'out'. But going out just for my pure enjoyment? That's hard for me to justify. And why? Because somehow, having someone pay you legitimizes any joy you might have with a particular activity.

Talking to Mike about this is interesting, cause we both seem to be on the same ill conceived guilt trip, of 'oh-but-you-do-more-so-you-take-a-break-I-don't-deserve-one-yet-I've-suffered-less'.

I mean, wow.

Have to say, it's nice to hear that Mike views my time here taking care of the boys while he's actually earning money as valuable. And that he agrees that it's okay to enjoy getting out of that for a little while. On a regular basis.

Also, a short side note: Eve Ensler is totally my hero.