post day 1

Think we might be making a turn here in sick-land. In fact, all 4 were acting near... happy today, if I dare say it. Adam ended up nodding off every few minutes this afternoon, getting some good sleep in finally. Went to a playgroup this morning. At the church. Where I haven't been attending for a few months at least now.

It was okay. But definitely different, feeling like I'm on the outside looking in now. I have a feeling I'm supposed to be learning something here. I'm trying to listen so carefully to that voice inside me that tells me where to place myself, how I'm supposed to be living my life. And I've been happy with how I've been doing that. But, how are you supposed to follow against the grain of something that has been with you your whole life? The only morality you ever knew.... or thought you knew. Knew so well that you didn't even realize that it was never really your own to start with. It was just there for the having, and you thought that was the same thing.

I wonder if any of these other mothers, who seem so sure of what they're doing and why they're doing it, I wonder if they've ever wondered. Or if they'd tell me if I asked. It seems sometimes that even admitting to that kind of doubt is a sin.

But, I guess I've moved past that level.